Don't read this, folks, This is just to vent.

So I had a conversation recently with a friend. She was out of town on an audition and then to Chicago to visit another friend. She said that while she was there she wrote a huge chunk of her screenplay she's been working on, just by being in another city, she said.

I find the only times I write are at work, and this blog. Now, with work I have limited time to write, as I only have two 15 minute breaks and one 30 minute lunch. So when the bell (yes we have a bell telling us when to go to and from break)(yes like school) goes off I essentially dash to the break room, whip out my laptop and start...writing, in theory. I have to force myself to be creative and write during those times because that's all the time I get. Yes I have all the time I want when I get home, but let's be honest, with all the other things I could be doing, will I really write?

I see a mess in the apartment and would rather clean it up to keep the place looking nice and uncluttered than write. We have Netflix and would rather watch something on that than write. We have video games, and I'd rather run around with Link than write. I have many distractions, though not all are distractions, my wife is NOT a distraction from other things (just to point that out) and I do all of them rather than write.

My friend said that sometimes a change of scene, a change of location or city or state or all of the above really helps; but I wonder. I know that I once set a list of goals for myself, sometime early last year. It went all the way to 2015. It had things I had to write and by when, and then for the following year it would be some of the same: write a screenplay or two, a TV episode Spec or a few, some short stories. Go back and revise them and improve them. the following year; the same. the one after that; the same, all until 2015 when I would finally make a go for it and start trying to sell my scripts, or get them produced locally.

But let's be perfectly honest here for a moment. Grand Rapids, while a great city and it's where I've grown up so I have a certain fondness for it, does NOT really support the arts. Yes there's ArtPrize, and the UICA that just got into a new building right at the center of town at Fulton and Division, and numerous community theatre's spread across the city and outlying areas, and Broadway Theatre Guild stuff and many small independent film people going about making movies, and there's Grand Valley's Film program, and theater classes at multiple colleges.

But how does one go about getting properly trained, in ANY of it without having to put their lives on hold? back when I was in college I had all the time to learn, and learn I did. But now I'm out, how am I supposed to learn more, or relearn things without spending money? Because I know I cannot afford to go back to school, or buy a ton of books that will all tell me to move to LA anyway.

Writers out there, you know how I feel. You feel that you don't know what you're doing or how to do it and that everything you write is slop. You cant objectively look at it and say that someone with any ounce of talent wrote this. But at the same time, you also know that when you share something you've written with people, you are at least somewhat proud of the result. How do you think it might feel to have, a 76 minute feature length movie, and a 45 minute TV series pilot (all from same world essentially) made and you're not really all that proud to show them to anyone? Sure the second one's much improved from the first, but when there's blatant no-nos that any writer ought to know staring you in the face, how can you, and by you I mean I, tell people this is an example of my best work? Because perhaps, it is.

Change of venue is not a possibility. I have too many college loans to pay off, (yeah, loans from a school where I went to study to do the very things I'm NOT doing)...go figure. So I have to work to pay those loans off.

Plus the other thought I always have when I get down about this, is, who do I think I am that I should be able to make MY dream come true when I live with someone else who has dreams of her own? Should her's be cast aside so that I can make my dreams come true?

I didn't want to do this but I'm going to. I've seen friends of mine, who I have had a great deal of respect for over the years. Two of them, after getting involved in the film world here, basically abandoned their marriages. Another, left their job to pursue a several year journey to paid film work. I'm not trying to judge you all for doing these things, at least not the job thing, but let's look at this situation from a certain point of view. If getting into the TV world, getting my show on the air, and making a career out of this thing, is going to cost me my friends, my closest allies and most importantly my marriage...then it is NOT worth it. If I have put my wife and eventual children through hell, just so I can be successful in this, then is it NOT worth it.

I am not giving this dream up, but I have to be realistic about it. Statistically, most people don't get the things they want out of their careers. Many who went to college never use that degree for it.

I know I'm writing this out of a bad mood, but it's hard to be cheery when you run into those people you know who ARE successful. So right now I want to say I am NOT in a good frame of mind to make an objective argument to or for myself. so Please, please just take this as one big MASSIVE vent, because that's what it is. I am not like this all the time, just every so often and need to get it out. Normally I'd be in my car complaining or writing it out in a word document nobody would read, but because I swore to update every day til March (and with some pushing from my wife. I love you honey!), it is ending up on here. So I apologize if, for those who ignored my warning to not read it do read it, that you feel bad or are offended by what I say. Again, is just meant to be a vent update. again, sorry.

Now, I'm off to bed to sleep this mood off. sleep always works. sleep is great.

-Spoiled Mangoes